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When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts”,
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee.
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee,
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the
stranger: “Sir, I’m cold and hungry and haven’t eaten in days. If you’re
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?” With little
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl – a small pile of dog turds.
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said
“I know how you feel, buddy. That’s about as far as I got, too.”

16 Ways of Knowing You’re in the Desert

1. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
2. You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
3. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
4. You can make instant sun tea.
5. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
6. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
7. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
8. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
9. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
10. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
11. It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
12. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
13. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
14. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
15. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
16. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question — Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the questions.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

“I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,
then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:”Ok.
I’ll let him pass, there’s no hurry. Two minutes later
another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but
two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped
him:”What’s going on out there?” it asked. “Why, there’s a
party going on! It’s great! They’re having the most fun!”
the whiskey replied.
And pizza said: “Great, I’ll go check it out!”

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