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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the
police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your
car?” asks the cop.

“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”

“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The
juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the
driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test
they’re giving now!”

What is the meaning of “sanctity”?

It’s french, for a lady with five breasts.

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny
little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the
bartender’s attention. He glanced at it and said, “It’s a ladybug.”
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, “Good Lord, what
incredible eyesight you have!”

Washing The Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog!”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh? What was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle!”

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the “World O’ Coffins” web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of “the willies.”
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high “Career Days.”
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
Constant complaints of, “But he looks like Michael Jackson!”
and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…
Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

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