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A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”

How can you identify an blind pirate?

He’s the one with patches over both eyes.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Stan
Stan who?
Stan back or I’ll be sick on your shoe!!!!

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their “urges”.

The lady said “If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don’t want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice.”

The gent said “OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don’t want it,
pull my DONG 48 times.”

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, “I
don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market
crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.”

The wife says, “No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.”

Husband replies, “Our savings are all gone and you want is to
go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you’re crazier than
me.” So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, “See that office
building? We own that.”

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something
unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just
happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, “See those five houses? We own
those.”

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says,
“What makes you think we own all this property?”

Wife replies, “Remember when we first got married and for
jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I
kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what
has become of it all. Not bad, eh?”

Husband says, “Dammit woman, if I’d known you were this
good with money I’d have probably given you all my business.”



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