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Why can’t Santa have children?

He only comes once a year.

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, “Home for Lunch”.

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women’s confusion. “Can I help you with this painting?” he asked.

“Well, yes” said the one woman. “We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?”

“Oh,” said the artist. “I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they’re coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went “Home for Lunch.”

Whats the definition of self destruction?

An epileptic leper!

Tooth Fairy Form Letter

Dear ____________:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was
guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.


The Tooth Fairy

“U.S. Government Philosophy: If It Ain’t Broke, Fix It ‘Til It Is”

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

Horn broken. Watch for finger

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

Stamp Out Crime – Abolish the IRS

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.

Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.

Money Isn’t Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.

I brake for Hallucinations.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help…

Welcome to Colorado – Now Go Home

Smile – Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.

“Telling an Old Person He’s Useless is Abortion on the Other End”

Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed

Your Mother’s Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Guns may kill, but I maim.

Life is just like a bar.

Last call comes to soon.

Tailgaters will be shot.

If you don’t like my driving then honk, and wait for gun shots.

Don’t ask what your customers can do for you, ask how much you can take them for.

Drunk NRA Member On Board.

If you can read this..*SCREECH* then expect a call from my lawyer.

Those who remember their weekend don’t party enough.

I always begin a new week the same. The detox guys even know me by name!

I always begin a new week the same. By saying hello to the detox guards.

Gun control is hittin’ what you shoot at!


It’s Nothing Duct-Tape Won’t Fix!

My dog ate your honor student!

Don’t steal, the government hates competition!

WATCH OUT! There is a blond driving.

I’m not speeding officer i’m just driving my car.

I’m not following to close… it is called “Drafting”

Next time wave all your fingers at me!

Live long enough to become a problem to your kids.

I would rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford.

Wife and dog missing!! Reward for dog.

If god paid for our sins, lets get our monies worth!

Heavens scared of me,and hell thinks I’ll take over.

If you can read this you’re TOO close.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

Love is grand…divorce is twenty grand

I’m in no shape to exercise!

If its not one thing its your mother!

Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught!

I am a virgin(this is an old sticker)

If you do something you’ll regret in the morning… SLEEP TILL NOON!

Don’t drink and drive you may hit a bump and spill your drink.

Eat Canadian lamb…40,000 coyotes cant be wrong!

Individualists of the world-UNITE!

Don’t be humble–your not that great.

I gave up drinking smoking and sex! that was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

Illiterate? write for free help.

My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.

My mother told me to be good…but she’s been wrong before.

Yes, as a mater of fact i DO own the whole damn road

Nobody is ugly after 2a.m.

I spent most of my money on booze, boats and broads… the rest I wasted.

You must pay for your sins! (if you have already paid please discard this notice).

A penny for your thoughts, twenty bucks to act them out!

© 2015