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Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

Introducing the new, Improved MID – LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.
These are a bit more realistic…

Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended – lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half – frames too)! neck chain and large – print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier – sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too, muumuus with tummy – support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle – Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age – blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini – van in robin – egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all
was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and
dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,
and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was
a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing
situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a
Queen cannot control.”

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please
don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said
something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”



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