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Do you know what a dog and a screen door have in common?
the more you bang them the looser they get.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals

* Constipated people don’t give a shit.

* If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

* It’s not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

* Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

* Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

* Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

* Do I look like a freakin’ people person?

* This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

* If I throw a stick, will you leave?

* Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

* Bottomless pit of needs and wants.

* I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.

* Does your train of thought have a caboose?

* Allow me to introduce my selves.

* Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

* Better living through denial.

* Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

* Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

* Do they ever shut up on your planet?

* I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

* Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

* I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

* I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

* Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

* Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

* I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

* Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

* I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

* You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

* Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

* Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

* Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

* Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

* I plead contemporary insanity.

* And which dwarf are you?

* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

* How do I set a laser printer to stun?

* It ain’t the size, it’s… no, it’s the size.

* Meandering to a different drummer.

* I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

* Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

* Could you drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

* You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

* DON’T PISS ME OFF! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

* All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

* So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

* A woman’s place is in the mall.

* They’ve found something that does the work of 5 men…1 woman.

* A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

* Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.

* I used to be disgusted, now, I’m just amused.

* We are the people our parents warned us about.

* There is intelligent life on Earth, but I’m just visiting.

* I’ve always been crazy, but it’s kept me from going insane.

* I’m not deaf. I’m ignoring you.

* Whatever it is I’m against it.

* If you’re looking for me I just left.

* I’m really enjoying not talking to you. Let’s not talk again real soon, OK?

* Sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma.

* Why be difficult when with just a little effort you can be impossible?

* It seems to me that your antenna doesn’t bring in too many stations anymore.

* Used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.

* I don’t know, I don’t care and it doesn’t make any difference.

* Don’t ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth.

* Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances.

* Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

* Being normal is driving me crazy.

* Why listen to reason when insanity prevails.

* There is no excuse for laziness, but I’m working on it.

* Thrill me, then leave.

* I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

* Ax me about Ebonics.

* Don’t be sexist – broads hate that.

* Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

* Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends.

* Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.

* How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.

* If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.

* If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now.

* CAUTION: I drive just like you!

* Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

* Get off my ass and I’ll let you pass!

* All men are Idiots and I married their King!

* Silly Faggots, Dicks are for Chicks!

* Don’t steal, the government hates competition.

* I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

* Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

* ONE TEQUILA……TWO TEQUILA……THREE TEQUILA……FLOOR.

* I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

* Jesus loves you…Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

* I’m just driving this way to piss you off.

* So many pedestrians, so little time.

* Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

* There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

* Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

* I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

* My Reality Check bounced.

* If Bill Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question!

* I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

* You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

* Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

* A day without sunshine is like, night.

* Few women admit their age.. Fewer men act it.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

* When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

* Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

* She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

* God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

* I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

* I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

* Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

* Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

* Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

* Accidents cause people.

* If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

* Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

* Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

* Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

* If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

* Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

* Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.

* Grow your own dope… plant a man.

* Go ahead and honk. I’m reloading.

* Thank God for the I.R.S.; Without them, I’d be stinking rich!

* I don’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it!

* Hang up and drive.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

* I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.

* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

* This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.

* I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

* Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

* BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

* Thank you for pot smoking.

* I got this car for my wife. What a deal!!

* Born Free… Taxed to Death.

* Forget World Peace, visualize using your turn signal!

* Jack Kavorkian for White House Physician.

* If I can be of any help… then you’re in worse trouble than I thought.

* Impotence: Nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings!”

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* REHAB is for quitters

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

One of Sigmund Freud’s early patients rushed out into an
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a
coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst
out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
“Oh, it’s just terrible,” she wailed. “Today the doctor told me
I’m in love with my father, and… and… and you know, he’s a
married man!”



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