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1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because “alarm didn’t work”.
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for
work. Pass gas while “enjoying” favorite site.
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries.
Pass gas.
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms – imagining
what a stud you are, chatting with all those “gorgeous women”
online. Pass gas.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

372.01 – Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
372.05 – It is unlawful to shout “Whiplash!”, “Ambulance!”, or “Free Scotch!” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that’s their stompin’ grounds!
372.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
372.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
372.10 – Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied Sidewinders
2 – Two-faced Tortfeasors
1 – Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators
3 – Horn Rimmed Cut-throats
2 – Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…
“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

© 2015