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Alphabet for the aged.

A arthritis
B bad back
C chest pains; cardiac
D dental decay; decline
E eyesight
F fissures; fluid retention
G gas; gastrointestinal glitches
H high blood pressure
I itches
J joints (stiff)
K knees
L libido
M memory; memory; memory
N nerve (pinched); neurosis
O osteo-(anything)
P psoriasis
Q queasiness
R reflux
S sleeplessness
T tinnitus
U urinary
V vertigo
W worry
X X ray
Y years gone by
Z zeal (undiminished)

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”

Q: Who wears a forest ranger’s hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.

Question: What is the most popular pick up
line in a gay bar?
Answer: Can I push your stool in?

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says “No,” ask, “Why not?”
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of “Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.”
4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

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