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A cannibal visited his neighbor to admire his new refrigerator. “What is the storage capacity?” the man asked.

“I’m not exactly sure,” the neighbor replied. “But it at least holds the two men that brought it.”

These are from actual resumes:

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”

RESUME BLOOPERS

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.
Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.
The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.
When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.
As soon as they’d taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?
“I love to be licked down below!” came the reply.
So the man ventured downwards.
After five minutes the man came back up.
“Any wrong?” asked the women.
“Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there” said the man.
“Oh” said the women. “That must be my arthritis”
“In your Vagina?” enquired the man.
“No”answered the women. “The arthritis in my shoulder! I can’t wipe my arse!!!”

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and
asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam,
the businessman leaned forward and said, “How’s your spirit of
adventure?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of
flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there?
The meeting is only an hour. I’ll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel
room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow.”
The driver said, “Sure, why not?” and off they went.
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana,
and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting
(while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab
and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they
took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the
meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman’s office, the man
told the cabbie, “Let me go in the bank here and I’ll get you
a certified check. I’ll make it for $5000 so you’ll get a sizable
tip for your trouble.”
“Great,” the cab driver said, “Thanks.”
“One last thing. When I give you the check, I’d like you to
drive me home, please.”
“Where’s that?”
“Brooklyn.”
“No way!!! I’d have to drive back over the bridge without a
passenger!”

1 – When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don’t signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

2 – Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

3 – In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

4 – As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

5 – Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

6 – When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

7 – When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

8 – When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

9 – When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

10 – If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

11 – If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like “Mr. Good Guy” and park somewhere else.

12 – If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

13 – deleted…for those who are superstitious

14 – When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow “ENTER ONLY” driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

15 – When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

16 – Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

17 – Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy’s or McDonald’s bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

18 – If you are forced to change an infant’s diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

19 – When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

20 – When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

21 – When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

22 – When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

23 – When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car’s alarm makes a sudden loud “BLOOP BLEEP” that scares the crap out of them.

24 – If you don’t see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn’t any!

25 – If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn’t with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, “There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I’m writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I’m not!”



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