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One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, “Pastor there are some things in life that aren’t addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.
The Pastor responded, “There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about”.
The woman responded, “PMS is not in the Bible”. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.
The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.
The Pastor replied, “Yes, it’s the part where Mary rides Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!”.

The Perfect Day – Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex and notice she’s gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day – Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch – 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
(magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
and leave.
Midnight Blowjob
Sleep

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when you’re drunk:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things that are downright impossible to say when you’re drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you’re not really my type
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an axe and two 38s!”



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