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Famous Sports Quotes.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'” (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree”, sighed the pheasant, “but I haven”t got the energy”.

Well, why don”t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They”re packed with nutrients”.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won”t keep you there.

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?

Shut up, you know that grandma’s leg is no longer infested.

What’s a transvestite’s idea of a good time?

Eat, drink, and be Mary!

*Question: What is one horsepower?
*Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one
second.

*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you
don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.

*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they
broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say
they are orbiting.

*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only
centrificating.

*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the
daytime.

*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing
and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them
all means living forever.

*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much
population stomping around up there these days.

*Lime is a green-tasting rock.

*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.

*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother
against brother.

*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out
the numbers.

*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things people forget to put the top on.

*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that
are still all mixed up.

*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

*Clouds are high flying fogs.

*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the
important thing.

*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to
do.

*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

*A monsoon is a French gentleman.

*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

*The wind is like the air, only pushier.



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