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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:

“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:

“RETURNED UNOPENED”

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, “I did that by accident.”
She replied, “I know that, daddy.”
He replied, “How’d you know?”
The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!”

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”
The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you!”
The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!”

One morning there was a knock on a man’s door. “Telegram!”

He opened the door excitedly, “Is it a singing telegram?” the man asked the messenger boy.

“No Sir. We don’t do singing telegrams anymore.”

“I’ve always wanted a singing telegram. Can’t you bend the rules and make me happy?”

“Sorry.”

“Please,” begged the man. “You’d really make my day.”

“Oh, all right,” said the boy, “Dah-dah dah… dah-dah-dah, your wife and your kids are dead!”

What’s the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds?

They both stick their beef between 9 year old buns.



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