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During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as
they could then say, “In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf.
Heil Hitler!” So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, “In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!” She replied, “In a few
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to
find it.”

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home
from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and
sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In
the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school
when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls
get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he’s not
wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes
a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a
nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school.
A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He
finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He
says in his scotish accent, “I don’t know where ya been but ya
won first prize.”

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of
a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to
the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.”
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, “If you knew what I have, you
would give me that fan.” The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus
driver, “Stop, I want to get off here.” The bus driver tells her he
has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the
block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, “If
you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here.”

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As
she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, “Madam, what is it you
have?”

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies,
“Chutzpah.”



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