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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?
“Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked increduously.
“Well…”, said the pirate, “..it was also my first day with the hook.”

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and
bright.”
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do
that for?” The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you
can do when you’re old and rich!”

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, “I
want to open a
fucking checking account”. “Please sir”, she replies, “we can’t have
language like that in
here.” “Why the Fuck not?” he asked. “Sir,” Came her retort, “I must
ask you to refrain
from swearing.” “I don’t give a shit what you want,” he answers, “I
just want to open a
fucking checking account.”
With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch
manager. The manager
asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. “Shit yes”, came the
reply, “I just won 14
million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking
account.” The branch
manager says, “I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a
hard time?”

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and
read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it’ll be the
last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep,
get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at
3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the
alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all
morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs
and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you
have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don’t think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There!, Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as
much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay
for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops
are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself
singing “I love you, you love me” at work, now!, you finally qualify
as a parent.



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