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The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.

Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver’s seat.

Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.
He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn’t help hearing gales of laughter.

Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, “What you laughing about? Your fancy car’s never gonna run again.”

“So?” the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. “Ever since you started tearing up my car, I’ve been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out…”

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certified medical excuse
2) A death in the student’s immediate family
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, “Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.”

He Said…She Said:
He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.
He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.
Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’
He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?
He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

What do you do if your bank account stops working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”

7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

6. “The coffee machine is broken….”

5. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

2. “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

“Amen”



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