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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, “June.”

“Yes, this is June.”

“Will you marry me?”

“Of course I will! Who’s this?”

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mueller himself.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”

“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”

“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”

“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”

It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
Willowdale, Oregon:
It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.
Oblong, Illinois:
It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)
Alexandria, Minnesota:
No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.
Ames, Iowa:
A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other— or holding her in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana:
Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they are nude.
Newcastle, Wyoming:
An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in-meat freezer.
A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called “master,” not “mister,” when addressed by their female counterparts.
Norfolk, Virginia:
A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called “corset inspector.”
Merryville, Missouri:
Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the “privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”
(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, “Hallelujah!” or puke.)
Helena, Montana:
Law mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Carlsbad, New Mexico:
It’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.
State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Cleveland, Ohio:
Woman aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t.”
Tremont, Utah
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

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