Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100181 jokes and pictures!


A woman in her 90’s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and
said, “Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?”

She said, “Do you like sex?”

I said, “Of course I like sex.”

She said, “Do you like to travel?”

I said, “Yeah, I love to travel.”

She said, “Then fuck off.”

Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,
it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught – your best defence is
to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean
desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working
hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same
as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury
the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice
mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give
you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU
to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks
like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method
of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when
nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the
caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t
involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever
hear is: “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your
voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can
hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to
do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that
takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers
will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox
is full” – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in
high demand.

Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George
Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient
and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.

Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but
have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk
past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails
at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc… ) and during
public holidays.

Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are
many people around, giving the impression that you are
very hard pressed.

Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of
documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc..
Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and
pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when
in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to
understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON’T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!

Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.” A schoolteacher says, “We’re
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right.” An airline stewardess says, “Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath
normally.”

So these two nuns were driving down the road at night when a scary vampire jumped out in front of their car, causing them to slam on the brakes. The nun in the driver’s seat panics, turns to the other nun and says, “Quick, show him your cross.”
So the other nun hastily rolls down her window and yells, “Get outta the way, you ugly big-toothed bastard!”



© 2015 ijokedb.com