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The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man’s
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked “How in the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?”
The old man whispered back, “Easy. I told her I was 90!”

Why do gays eat refried beans on Saturday night?
So they can take a bubble bath Sunday morning.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

Did you hear that the Pillsbury dough boy died?
Yup: got a yeast infection.
Dr.McCoy reported to Captain Kirk: “He’s bread, Jim.” It was a sad thing that but for a little dough some crusty old doctor could have performed a BATTERy of tests and maybe given him much kneaded treatment. If it worked, the poor soul would still be leaven.

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his
neighbor, “Ray, may I borrow your axe?”

“Not today,” Ray replied, “I have to make soup.”

“What kind of excuse it that?!” demanded Joe.

“Well,” confessed Ray, “I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I
don’t want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as

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