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What occurs twice in a lifetime, but only once in a
year, twice in a week, but never in a day?

The letter “E”

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.
One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!
Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!
Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!
Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, “Doctor, please help me find out what’s wrong with me!”
So Dr. Chang said, “Take off all yu cwothes.” So she did. Then he said, “Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.” So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, “I know what wong with yu… Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!”
The lady asked, “What the heck is that?!”
Dr. Chang replied, “Dat’s wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt”!

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

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