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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of
goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t
ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
“Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and
she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope
you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the
latest style – folded down with the fur showing.

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he’d be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.

“How did you get in here so fast?” he asked.

“Shhhhh!!!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother!”

A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.
The Mexican drops a pear on his country.
When the American asks why he says he loves his country.
Then they’re flying over the US and the American drops an apple.
When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.
Then they’re flying over the Pollock’s country and the Pollock drops a bomb.
When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.
A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.
He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.
The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.
When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.
The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.
When he asks him why the man says, “Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!”

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six,” he said.

© 2015