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The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“That’s easy,” he replied. “You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.”
“What sort of question would you ask Doctor?”
“Well, you might ask them…”
“Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?”
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?”
“I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going
to Albania – by covered wagon. Most common phrase: “Is it
Christmas yet?”

10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks
actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet
paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone
and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most
common phrase: “Is it Christmas already?”

40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he
might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he
said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be
slowing down?

60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like
they’re over in a couple weeks.

17 things that it took me 50 years to learn

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

17. Your friends love you anyway.

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