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Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car and the woman said ‘Kiss me where its wet!’ So Paddy started the car and took her to Sheffield!’

(There have been loads of floods in the UK this summer)

A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he
was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor,
and the doctor said, “All right, let’s check you out. You sit down here
on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read
that chart on the wall over there.”
He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, “No, no,
no. Put your right hand over your right eye.”
This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now
getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor
really gets mad and says, “All right, I’ll fix you!” He gets a paper
bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and
says, “Now, read that chart!” The guy read it perfect!
The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying
like a baby. The doctor says, “Now, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!”

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an
agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, “Well… the minimum I could work for is four
hundred a week.”

I told her I’d give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, “With pleasure, it’ll be $600
a week.”

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband
says, “my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are
so beautiful, let me take your picture.”

Puzzled she asks, “MY picture?”

He answers, “yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “why do
you wear a robe? We are married now.” at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a

He beams and asks, “why?”

She answers, “SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED”!

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He’s stopped at
the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:
“You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after
you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a
snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?”
“Fuck God… I’m after the baby Jesus.”

© 2015