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The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he’d been off the farm.
He’d saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.
Checking in he said “Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week”
“Certainly sir” replied the receptionist. “Would you like the Bridal”?
The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said “Naw, reckon not, a’ll just hang onto her ears ’til a get the hang of it”


Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers”
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack – Drink the maalox
Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.


Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw
Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.


Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho’s
Lunch – Rolaids and a coke
Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for


Breakfast – Order out for pizza
Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.


Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it’s better for you.
Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.


Breakfast – Sleep through it.
Lunch – Ditto
Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.


Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5…10…15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

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