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Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby’s Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?


-1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.


-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, ‘This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.’ Wife replies, ‘I think you’ll find that is a sheep.’ Man replies, ‘I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep …’

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, “Is something bugging you? You look anxious.”
“Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” she explained.
“Oh, that’s too bad,” the other girl sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”
“Yeah, I am,” she said. “He’ll miss me.”

Two accountants were discussing a colleague’s interest in one
of the firm’s new secretaries. “I just don’t get it.” said one.
“She’s an airhead – nothing going on upstairs.

“That may be true,” replied the other, “but I don’t think that’s
the floor he’s getting off on.”

History of the United States in 100 words or less

Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration.
Colonization. Taxation. Representation. Declaration. Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration.
Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration.
Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination.
Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation.
Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection.
Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League
of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization.
Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed
Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration.
Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation.
Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas
Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution.
Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation.
Obliteration. Glorification. Education.

© 2015