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What is the first symptom of AIDs?
A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass.

What’s the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one
is blind and the other appears normal. A couple
of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He
sees the guys and decides to have compassion on
them.
He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his
sight is restored. He touches the man in the
wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away.
He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, ‘Whoa,
God! I’m on workman’s comp!’

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d’oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I can’t get no satisfaction,” gulping down other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d’oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? I’m the artist who painted it.”

The man says “Well, we like the painting but don’t understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis.”

The Irish artist says, “Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”



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