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A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. ‘Follow me’ he sayes. Off they fly, over hills, over rivers, through valleys and into the dark forest … ‘See that tree over there?’ he sayes. ‘YES’ they all say. ‘WELL I FUCKING DIDNT!’

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, “Hey! Come on in! The water’s fine!”
One banana turns to the other banana and says, “Do you believe that

The old man was saying to his doctor,
“You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a
little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does
that mean I’m getting stronger?”

“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. “Are you sure?”, she asked. “I’m sure,
I said. “Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.
“I reckon not” I replied …

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what
she meant, I fell off the roof!”

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