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The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey-Nice bike!
Where did you get it?” “Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to
class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this
bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘you can
have ANYTHING you want!’” “Good choice,” says the first guy, “her
clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.

If government is going to put health warning labels on
beer, wine and liquor, let’s at least have a little truthfulness about
the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker
guy named “Big Al”.

Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said “I took
the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and says
“it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.”
The uncle says with a confused look ” Um son we don’t have a cow…We have
a bull!”

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave,
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. “Don’t
be stupid,” says the barman, “We’ve got a perfectly good toilet

“Yes,” explains the drinker, “but I take salts.”

“So what??!! That doesn’t matter – you can still use the toilet

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges,
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into

the bar.

“What the hell went on in there?!” he demands.

“I told you,” explained the drinker.

“No, you said that you take salts!” yelled the barman.

“That’s right,” the drinker shrugs, “somersaults.”

© 2015