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The wife of Colin McRae has withdrawn their life savings from the Northern Rock … shes now with Scottish Widows!

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who
died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged
23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, & Jerry sanders (CEOs of Microsoft, Intel & AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise was suddenly emitted from where Bill was sitting.

Bill said : “Oh! that’s my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call.: So Bill lifted his wrist-watch to his ear and began talking into the end of his tie. Having completed the call, he noticed the others were staring at him. So Bill explained : “Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can take a call anywhere.” The others nodded, and the meeting continued.

5 min later, the discussion was again interrupted when this time round, from Andy started a beeping sound. “Oh that’s my emergency beeper” he said. “Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call.” Andy tapped his earlobe and began talking into thin air. When he completed the call, he noticed the others staring at him and thus explained, “I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is embedded in this fake tooth, isn’t that neat?”

The others nodded and the meeting continue. Later still, the discussion was again interrupted when Jerry emitted a thunderous fart. He looked up at the others staring at him and said, “Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper….. I’m receiving a FAX.”

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they’re really only one.

Dec. 8 5:00 p.m. – It’s starting to snow, the first of
the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

Dec. 9 – We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
I shoveled it again.

Dec. 12 – The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
well, I’m sure we’ll get a little more before this lovely
winter is over.

Dec. 14 – It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
trick again.

Dec. 15 – Sold our car and bought a 4×4 Blazer so we could
get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.

Dec. 18 – Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
damn sky is getting dark again.

Dec. 19 – Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife’s
car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She’s pissed-off.

Dec. 20 – Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
snowplow came by twice.

Dec. 22 – We are assured of a white Christmas because
another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
freezing weather it won’t melt till August! Got all dressed
up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc… ) then got the urge to
pee.

Dec 24 – If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.

Dec. 25 – MERRY CHRISTMAS… they predict 12 more inches of
the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
Santa, he doesn’t have to shovel that white shit. The
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
with my ice axe.

Dec. 28 – We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
or have a severe case of depression.

Dec. 29 – The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
cave-in. If you go outside, don’t eat the brown snow.

Dec. 30 – I torched the damned house… moving back to
Florida!



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