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Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter “borrowed” it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband’s a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said “yes.”
Bad: Your wife says “no.”
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He’s gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It’s counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.
Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon.

Now, however, is has been revealed that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first time ever, are the fates to have befallen many of your favorite Disney characters.

MICKEY MOUSE – died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said “No” for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK – served as a main course at Epcot’s China Pavilion.

PLUTO – caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY – assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE MCDUCK – died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE – involved in an underground child pornography ring.

SNOW WHITE – fell for the “apple trick” again.

DOPEY – ’nuff said.

SNEEZY – died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY – executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY – killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC – was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY – never woke up.

BASHFUL – now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS – shot down over Iraqi airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN – male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH – had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET – gunned down in a Mafia hit.

RABBIT – died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.

EEYORE – committed suicide.

ROO – smothered to death by Kanga.

KANGA – put to death by the state.

TIGGER – accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

ALICE (OF WONDERLAND) – institutionalized for life.

THE MAD HATTER – died of mercury poisoning.

DORMOUSE – drowned in a teapot.

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS – guillotined during the revolution.

TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM – died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.

SLEEPING BEAUTY – slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from “Prince Charming.”

CINDERELLA – killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.

PINOCCHIO – is now a very comfortable Ottoman.

JIMINY CRICKET – died after impacting a windshield at high Speeds.

FIGARO – strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar.

DUMBO – sucked into the engine of a 747.

PETER PAN – Christopher Robin’s lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL – caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

BAMBI – shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.

BALOO – is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace.

LADY & THE TRAMP – sold to a Cantonese restaurant.

101 DALMATIANS – sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions.

THE RESCUERS – involved in cancer research.

TRON – someone pulled the plug out by accident.

CAPTAIN EO – had a leak in his spacesuit.

JESSICA RABBIT – backup singer for Guns ‘N Roses.

THE LITTLE MERMAID – caught by Mrs. Paul’s Inc.

ALADDIN – was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols.

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh!” he thought, “If that fly goes
down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly …and that bear grabs for
that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
“Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that
fly… and that bear grabs for that fish …and that hunter shoots that
bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can
have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks…The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Somewhere there’s a pussy in trouble.

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman’s head.

“Yech!” says the woman. “Get some toilet paper.”

“What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.”

Q. What does it mean when two lesbians make love?

A. It doesn’t mean dick.

© 2015