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Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. “How old was your husband?” he
asked.

“He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years oder
than I am.”

“Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home,
wouldn’t you say?”

Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

There is 2 fags walking down the beach. They are holding hands and
kicking the sand with their feet. One happens to kick a lamp that is
lying buried in the sand. He pick it up and starts to clean it off.
All of a sudden a Genie comes out of the lamp.

Genie, ” Man, I don’t believe it. I have stuck in that bottle for 2
thousand years and the first person to come along and find me is a
fag. I am suppose to give you 3 wishes but I just can’t do it. I won’t
even give you 2. I will give you one wish and that is it. What will it
be.”

The 2 fags are excited about getting their wish but couldn’t come up
with what they wanted to wish for on such short notice.

Fag1 says,” Could you give us just a little time to think about it? I
mean one wish we need a little time.”

The Genie looks down and says, “Alright you can take as long as you
want but I am not going to stay here until you come up with it. I just
can’t stand the sight of you two. Whenever youmake me your mind just
wish for it and it will done.”

At that moment the Genie grabs his bottle and flys off into the sky.
Well the two fags decide that they will go back to the motel room and
decide on what they will wish for. Once they got back their emotions
took over and they starting doing all that fag stuff.

Right as they were getting into it, the door of their room gets busted
down and 6 men in white sheets come in. They grab the fags and throw a
rope around their necks.

Fag1 looks at Fag2 and says, ” You know this might be a good time use
our wish.”

Fag2 says, “I already made it.”

Fag1 ” What the hell did you wish for?”

Fag2 ” Well, I wish that we were hung like two niggers.”

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
“I’m another year older,” but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, “Happy birthday, dear.” All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn’t say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, “Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and have a nice gift for me.” There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, “Give me a slice of toast! I’m late! Where is my coat? I’m going to
miss the bus!” Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful “Happy birthday, boss.” She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, “Since
it’s your birthday, why don’t we have lunch together?” Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, “That’s a good idea.” So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, “Why don’t we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?” So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, “Why don’t
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini.” It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn’t have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, “If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable,” and she
left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!



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