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This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was
Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everbody
blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Teacher : Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first?
Pupil: I want to know how it ends!

Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

Rewarding Your Human:

Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.

How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I
was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did
*I* get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah… ” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch *all* the fish?”

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income
reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room
temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and
sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh
samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.



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