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THE WORLD’S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
4. Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.
5. The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.
6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
7. My name’s [your name]. That’s so you know what to scream.
8. My name’s [your name], but you can call me “lover.”
9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?
10. Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns.
11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
13. Screw me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?
14. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
15. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
16. How about you sit on my lap and we’ll see what pops up?
17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
18. So… How am I doin’?
19. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
20. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

“Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road?”
The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here!
I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, -
“Ma’am… that’s your air freshener!”

What do you call a masterbating bull? Beef strokin’off.

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax…
Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he
asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river
(look, my suit’s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously
disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”



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