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I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an
agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, “Well… the minimum I could work for is four
hundred a week.”

I told her I’d give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, “With pleasure, it’ll be $600
a week.”

A guy was stranded on a lonely island with only a pitbull and a pig for company. There was plenty of food and fresh water, so he was doing alright for a few months. But eventually the loneliness got to him, if you know what I mean.

The pig started to look more and more attractive – soft, pink skin, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy tried to make an advance towards the pig, the pitbull growled at him. Once he almost got bit. The guy was getting very frustrated.

One day a life raft washed ashore. In it was a beautiful unconscious woman. The guy carried her back to his hut and nursed her back to health. After a few days the woman regained her strength and said: “Thank you, thank you so much for saving my life! I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything you want!” The guy thought for a moment and said, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny
little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the
bartender’s attention. He glanced at it and said, “It’s a ladybug.”
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, “Good Lord, what
incredible eyesight you have!”

Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M & M’s?
A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

What’s the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

© 2015