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A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman – almost.”
The priest says, “What do you mean, ‘almost’?”
The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you
the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding, and one says, “It’s ridiculous! Sure, he’s rich, but he’s also 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of wedding is that?”

The other says, “Well, we have a name for that kind of wedding in my family.”

“Oh, yeah? What do you call it?”

“We call it a football wedding.”

The first guy asks, “What’s a football wedding?”

The other guy laughs and says, “She’s just waiting for him to kick off!”

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

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