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Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with “the boys.”
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight…promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘shit,’ cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.”

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
“Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?”

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, “I did that by accident.”
She replied, “I know that, daddy.”
He replied, “How’d you know?”
The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!”

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments – lack of sleep, no drive, very
little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is
suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his
personal life.

“Well, if you must know,” said the patient, “I cannot stand my wife. She’s made my life unbearable. I fantasize all
the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you’ll give me some kind of untraceable
poison to give her, so I may end my misery.”

The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, “Besides, you’ll get
life in prison yourself, at best. I’ll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her
coffee. You can then ‘love her to death’. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too
much. She’ll be gone in a month at best.”

The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife’s coffee the very next morning. Three
weeks later, the doctor hasn’t heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend’s
house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it’s a warm Spring day.
The man’s face was gaunt and pale, he’d lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, “What
the Hell happened?”

The man said, “I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day
and nite.” Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim
and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her
husband cackled and said to the doctor, “Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn’t a lick of sense. If she only knew
she has less than a week to live she wouldn’t be so God damn frisky.”

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like tomato soup!

Shut up, we only have it once a month.

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