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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!” Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.
How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It’s a woman’s job.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that!
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? She’s a woman!
How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!
How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t…there’s a clock on the oven!

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to
visit on his vacation.

He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep
him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. and I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for
you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

So what? Who’s in a hurry?

Mommy, Mommy! Don’t push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my growler?” “Yes, I’m sorry, ” says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.
Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.
“I can also make it wink, ” says the woman.
The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The Scotsman moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”
Stunned, The Scotsman replies, “Good grief! Can it whistle, too?”

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