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A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl
friend he’d have it fixed in no time.
However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked
his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them.

She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he
went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not
continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he
went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out
there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his

His girl asked “Honey don’t your ears ever get cold?”

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh!” he thought, “If that fly goes
down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly …and that bear grabs for
that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
“Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that
fly… and that bear grabs for that fish …and that hunter shoots that
bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can
have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks…The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Somewhere there’s a pussy in trouble.

How do you confuse the heck out of Helen Keller?
You glue doorknobs to the walls.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Witch who?
Witch you’d stop asking questions and let me in!

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply…

___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by thetruckload”
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.


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