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There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats.
The first one says, “I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!”
The next guy says, “oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall
15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him
ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!” The third guy sulks
in the corner, “man. both y’all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist
who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get
the grin off her face.”

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife’s birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He’ll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ‘Marvin, come out to the hallway and look. ‘Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ‘$59 and they didn’t even iron it.’

What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7″

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by
the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on
the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on 124.7… did you copy the report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff… and
yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our
caterers.”

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.

REPORTER:

Hello there, excuse me, I’m from the BBC and I’m gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?

SCOTSMAN:

Certainly…

REPORTER:

Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

SCOTSMAN:

Well now there’s a story. Y’know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don’t.

You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I
built more than half of them myself, but do they call me
Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don’t.

And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don’t.

But, I tell you, a moment’s weakness with just ONE sheep…



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