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Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says “Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?” The drunk replies “Even Elvis had to clear his throat!”

His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 2 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar and $250,000..

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts…

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no
So I decided I needed a passionate girl..

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability..

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited
about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement..

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition..

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned..

Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?
A salad shooter.

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