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A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said “$50.00”.

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, “Why is this parrot so cheap?”

“Well,” he replied, “You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it.”

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said “Awk! New House, New Madam!”
“Well,” the woman thought, “That’s not so bad.”

Then the woman’s two daughters came home from school.
“Awk!”, the parrot said, “New Madam, New Whores!”

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn’t so bad either. Then the woman’s husband came home from work.

“Awk!” The parrot said, “New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!”

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink…
Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke…
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters…
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t
want to talk to in the first place…
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight…
Only in America… do we use the word “politics” to describe the
process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning
“blood-sucking creatures”…

Gross is having to tuck your hemorrhoid into your sock so you won’t step on
it when you walk.

The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey–Nice bike!
Where did you get it?” “Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to
class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this
bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘you can
have ANYTHING you want!'” “Good choice,” says the first guy, “her
clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.

Q: Why did the Blonde girl stand in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: So she could see what she looks like asleep.

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