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Three drunks were sitting at a bar.
The first one said… “I went in my daughter’s room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.”
He paused. “I didn’t even know she smoked!”
The second drunk said… “I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn’t even know she drank!”
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
“I can beat that! I went into my daughter’s room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!”
He paused…
“I didn’t even know she had a penis!!!”

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
“Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?”

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, “Who
turned on the fucking lights!”
“Oh, no sir,” the nearest flight attendant replied. “Those are the
breakfast lights. You slept through the ‘fucking lights.'”

Boss: “My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?”
Dilbert: “Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot.”
Boss: “Oh, that’s right.”
Wally: “I wonder if he’ll ever realise we gave him an “Etch-A-Sketch.”

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

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