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Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
So people can read her lips.

Back in the 1960’s white activists often got their hair styled in
an afro – a large bush-style hairdoo – to show support for civil
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced
that he’d also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse’s endless posturing,
sneered, “Great… just great… now during foreplay I’ll have
to look for a needle in a haystack.”

“U.S. Government Philosophy: If It Ain’t Broke, Fix It ‘Til It Is”

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

Horn broken. Watch for finger

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

Stamp Out Crime – Abolish the IRS

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.

Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.

Money Isn’t Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.

I brake for Hallucinations.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help…

Welcome to Colorado – Now Go Home

Smile – Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.

“Telling an Old Person He’s Useless is Abortion on the Other End”

Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed

Your Mother’s Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah…]

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Guns may kill, but I maim.

Life is just like a bar.

Last call comes to soon.

Tailgaters will be shot.

If you don’t like my driving then honk, and wait for gun shots.

Don’t ask what your customers can do for you, ask how much you can take them for.

Drunk NRA Member On Board.

If you can read this..*SCREECH* then expect a call from my lawyer.

Those who remember their weekend don’t party enough.

I always begin a new week the same. The detox guys even know me by name!

I always begin a new week the same. By saying hello to the detox guards.

Gun control is hittin’ what you shoot at!


It’s Nothing Duct-Tape Won’t Fix!

My dog ate your honor student!

Don’t steal, the government hates competition!

WATCH OUT! There is a blond driving.

I’m not speeding officer i’m just driving my car.

I’m not following to close… it is called “Drafting”

Next time wave all your fingers at me!

Live long enough to become a problem to your kids.

I would rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford.

Wife and dog missing!! Reward for dog.

If god paid for our sins, lets get our monies worth!

Heavens scared of me,and hell thinks I’ll take over.

If you can read this you’re TOO close.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

Love is grand…divorce is twenty grand

I’m in no shape to exercise!

If its not one thing its your mother!

Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught!

I am a virgin(this is an old sticker)

If you do something you’ll regret in the morning… SLEEP TILL NOON!

Don’t drink and drive you may hit a bump and spill your drink.

Eat Canadian lamb…40,000 coyotes cant be wrong!

Individualists of the world-UNITE!

Don’t be humble–your not that great.

I gave up drinking smoking and sex! that was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

Illiterate? write for free help.

My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.

My mother told me to be good…but she’s been wrong before.

Yes, as a mater of fact i DO own the whole damn road

Nobody is ugly after 2a.m.

I spent most of my money on booze, boats and broads… the rest I wasted.

You must pay for your sins! (if you have already paid please discard this notice).

A penny for your thoughts, twenty bucks to act them out!

Level I:

Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d’oerves,
and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to
sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II:

Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d’oerves, and drinking
from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing “I Gotta
Be Me” while others begin rearranging your ornaments.

Level III:

Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven’t
passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing
“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, which can barely be heard over the
sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing
hors d’oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little
hammers strike.

Level IV:

Your guests, hors d’oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are
performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree.
The piano is missing.

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent
your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to
get to Level III is egg-nog.

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit
a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While
standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this
whistle – Whooee da Whoee! – but doesn’t know what it is.

Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good
tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re

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