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Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said “Oh, look at the deer tracks.”
The other blonde looks and says “Those aren’t deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.”
“No. Those are deer tracks.”
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This is good!”
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, “This is good!”
To which the king replied, “No, this is NOT good!” and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.
“You were right,” he said, “it was good that my thumb was blown off.” And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. “And so am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this.”
“No,” his friend replied, “This is good!”
“What do you mean, ‘This is good’? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?”
“If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you!”

After walking around London city shops for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says, “Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips.” “So it is.” Murphy says, “Paddy you’re right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00. I think that we should buy a job lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin.” “So we would.” Paddy says in agreement, “Murphy that is as good an idea as you’ll ever have, but I’m pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we’re gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won’t.”
Murphy thinks and says,”Paddy, I’ve got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I’ll just stand behind you and say nothing. He’ll never guess we’re Irish so he won’t.”
“OK Murphy”, agrees Paddy, “I’ll do the talking, you just stand there and look English.” So the two visitors to England’s illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner.
Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression; “Awwwight Guvnor, I’ll ‘ave 20 of yer Whistle ‘un Flutes’, 20 ‘Dickie Dirts’ and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don’t mind I’ll be paying with the 380 ‘Pictures of the Queen’ in me ‘Sky Rocket’.”
Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then asks Paddy, “You’re Irish aren’t you?” Very surprised, Paddy replies, “Well, would ya believe it, if that isn’t my best English accent. How did you know that we were Irish?”
The owner replies, “This is a Dry Cleaners, mate!!”

Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

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