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November 30, 1995

PLAYGIRL, INC.

Dear Mrs. Smith,

We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl’s “Man of the Month” centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn’t
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said “We’ll retain our widowed status!”

The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said “We can’t perform miracles!”

We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl’s centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as “the item of interest” as it would in
John’s case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. “Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”

You Know You’re in New York City When…
1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, “Ack. More damned aliens.”
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising “Free green cards, no questions asked.”
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen’s car in front of you reads, “Warning: I break for pedestrians.”

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

The Origin of Chapstick
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
“Howdy, stranger…”
“Howdy, Sheriff…”
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
“Hold on, Mister…”
“Sheriff?”
“Did I just see what I think I just saw?”
“Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…”
“And that cures them?” “Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ em!



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