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What do you call a gay bar that has no chairs?

- A fruit stand.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?”

Q: How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?
A: With a fishing pole!

One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.
Mrs. Johnson had said, “Thank you very much but what is it?”
The lady said, “It is a Damn ham.”
Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, “Don’t speak that way to me, don’t you know that I am the preachers wife!”
The lady said, “Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!”
Mrs. Johnson said, “ooh I see well thank you” and the lady left.
Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, “Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?”
Mrs. Johnson said,” Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham”
The preacher was shocked and said, “Don’t speak to me that way! Don’t you know who I am?”
Mrs. Johnson said, “Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!”
The preacher said, “Oh! I see! Well it smells great!”
That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!
When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, “Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?”
The wife said “sure”.
Then little Johnny said, “Alright dad! While you’re at it can you pass me the fucking mashed potatoes!”

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew.” Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, “See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!”

Over the years, some ‘folk etymologies’ have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say (like “pleasant
mother pheasant plucker”, which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’, and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird”.

© 2015