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An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat
down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked,
“Going to a party?”
“Yeah,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protested the barkeep.
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald’s?
A: Because it’s always exactly the same and afterwards you
/////.swear you’ll never do it again.

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.
One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.
The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said “Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded “Well alright sweetie! It’s been a long time for me too.”
The first man exclaimed “Oh hell, there go my Sundays!”

Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.”

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?”

He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.”

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an
Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same
job and both applicants having the same qualifications were
asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you
for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the
job.”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9
questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I
should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?”

Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I
don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.’”



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