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15) After each caution, the car will run the opposite way … caution – clockwise – caution – counter clockwise – caution – clockwise … etc.

14) Earnhardt, Jr., has to drive with a passenger … preferably a sumo wrestler … for extra weight.

13) Potty pit stops during a half time.

12) No more champagne in Victory Lane. A special Jeff Gordon whine will be used.

11) The ‘wider is better’ Pontiac will be narrowed since NASCAR has discovered the reason Pontiac widened the car was to accommodate Tony Stewart’s ego.

10) Races will be shortened to 7 laps so Darrel Waltrip can finish on the lead lap on at least one of his final races.

9) There will be a 15 minute half time break so Benny Parson can get a snack … better make it a 30 minutes.

8) Cars with handicapped plates shall pit in specially marked blue pit stalls.

7) Depends Undergarments announced it will sponsor a car for the 2001 season. For the betterment of the sport, NASCAR forbids Dick Trickle to be named the driver.

6) To ward off an approaching sexual discrimination lawsuit, NASCAR mandates at least one member of each sexuality will be represented on each team … Male, Female and Kenny Irwin.

5) Top speed is out! The cars starting positions will depend on how pretty the car is. If it’s ugly they will vote on who gets provisionals, the ugliest car goes home.

4) To save the Inspectors time, Jeremy Mayfield’s car will automatically fail inspection each week and the team will be fined $25,000.

3) Mike Skinner will start backwards so when he spins he will be facing the right direction.

2) The winner of a race will be determined by who picked the winner in NASCAR ROCKS … if no one picked a winner, straws will be drawn … the straw draw also holds true for second on back.

1) Because of Political Correctness, no discrimination against the handicapped will be permitted. This shall be called the Kenny Irwin Rule.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the orphanage for a few weeks, he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The social worker asks him, “Well, do you want to go back and live with your father again?”

“No,” replies the boy. “He beats me.”

The social worker says, “Do you want to live with your mother?”

The boy says, “No, she beats me too.”

“Well, then,” asks the social worker, “Who do you want to live with?”

The boy answers, “The New Orleans Saints.”

The social worker is taken aback. “The Saints? Why do you want to live with the New Orleans Saints?”

“Because,” replies the boy, “They don’t beat anybody.”

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man! You don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!”

A man said to his golfing friend, “I hit two of my best balls yesterday!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker.”



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