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A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. One morning, the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out a short distance from shore, anchored the boat and started on reading a book she had brought with her.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat — pulls up alongside and asks, “What are you doing out here?”

She replies, “I’m just reading a book.”

“Well, ma’am, this is a restricted area”, he says. Then he sees all the fishing equipment in the boat and continues, “You can’t fish here, ma’am.”

To which she replies, “I’m not fishing. I’m merely sitting here reading my book.”

“But you have all this equipment; I will have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I will charge you with rape.”

“Why … I didn’t even touch you.”

“No, you haven’t, but you have all the equipment…”

So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for ’98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away-ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. “I’ve got to get this guy,” Al says to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” the young man says into the receiver, “I just won the SuperBowl.” “I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You’re not my son.” “I don’t think you understand, mother” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.” “No, let me tell you,” the mother implores. “At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lifes last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….” I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland.

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. “You look like a golfer. Are you any good?”

George replies, “Absolutely…. I got here in TWO, didn’t I?”

Q: Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
A: Paul gas coin!

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, “Run…run!”

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!”

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya.”

The next batter’s count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, “He didn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, “Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!”



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