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There once was a man who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The man waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

When they completed their round, the man told the woman that he was a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the man cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.

The man was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal.

This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sex?”

“We can’t,” said the woman.

“Why not?” came the reply.

“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.

“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE for the last three weeks!”

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man: Well, that’s nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first redneck says to the other, “If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.”

After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.

The redneck answers, “Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.”

15) After each caution, the car will run the opposite way … caution – clockwise – caution – counter clockwise – caution – clockwise … etc.

14) Earnhardt, Jr., has to drive with a passenger … preferably a sumo wrestler … for extra weight.

13) Potty pit stops during a half time.

12) No more champagne in Victory Lane. A special Jeff Gordon whine will be used.

11) The ‘wider is better’ Pontiac will be narrowed since NASCAR has discovered the reason Pontiac widened the car was to accommodate Tony Stewart’s ego.

10) Races will be shortened to 7 laps so Darrel Waltrip can finish on the lead lap on at least one of his final races.

9) There will be a 15 minute half time break so Benny Parson can get a snack … better make it a 30 minutes.

8) Cars with handicapped plates shall pit in specially marked blue pit stalls.

7) Depends Undergarments announced it will sponsor a car for the 2001 season. For the betterment of the sport, NASCAR forbids Dick Trickle to be named the driver.

6) To ward off an approaching sexual discrimination lawsuit, NASCAR mandates at least one member of each sexuality will be represented on each team … Male, Female and Kenny Irwin.

5) Top speed is out! The cars starting positions will depend on how pretty the car is. If it’s ugly they will vote on who gets provisionals, the ugliest car goes home.

4) To save the Inspectors time, Jeremy Mayfield’s car will automatically fail inspection each week and the team will be fined $25,000.

3) Mike Skinner will start backwards so when he spins he will be facing the right direction.

2) The winner of a race will be determined by who picked the winner in NASCAR ROCKS … if no one picked a winner, straws will be drawn … the straw draw also holds true for second on back.

1) Because of Political Correctness, no discrimination against the handicapped will be permitted. This shall be called the Kenny Irwin Rule.

A little Bear is at his custody hearing. The judge asks the little bear whom he wants to live with. Well, I don’t want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me. And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too. The Judge asks little bear if he has any relatives whom he likes. Little Bear says no. . . I want to live with the Chicago Bears, the don’t beat anybody.



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