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On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4×4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Chicago Cubs baseball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing White Sox jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Cubs fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached the shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of south and north sides of Chicago, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which others could follow.”

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”

“That,” one answered, “that was the Holy Father, His Holiness the Pope, the head of the Roman Catholic Church and the spiritual leader of millions of faithful Christians around the world.”

“Well,” the harpooner replied, “He doesn’t seem to know diddley about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?”

Q: What’s the difference between a Metallica concert and a Tyson – Holyfield match?
A: After the Metallica concert, there’s a ring in the ears…after the bout, there are ears in the ring.

Q: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
“Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see
the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back
in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.”

“Oh, yes. I’ll never forget that one, and I’m terribly sorry
Peter, but I can explain…”, the old golfer blithered.

“Well,” said Peter, “You’ll have to take it up with The Big Guy.”

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God’s
office. “We’ve got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain…”

“So,” booms God, “You’ve been taking my name in vain.”

“Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!”

“OK. Try me, ” replied the Lord.

“Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and
I made it to the 18th hole, and I’d win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it
was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took
my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree…”

“And that’s when you took my name in vain?”

“Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole…”

“So, that is when you took my name in vain?”

“No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches
of the hole…”

“Don’t tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!”



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