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Q: Why are football players never asked for dinner?

A: Because they’re always dribbling!

A hunter was visiting another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?”

The host said, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.”

“What’s he stuffed with?” asked the visiting hunter.

“My wife!”

Pat is appearing on the television quiz show ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.

“You’ve done really well to get this far Pat” the quizmaster says, “the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?”

“Sure” Pat nods.

“On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby.” the quizmaster continues, “The question is Pat, and don’t forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?”

Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says “I’m pretty sure it’s Ruud Van Nistelroy… No, I’m sure it is… Can I phone a friend just to check?”

“OK” the quizmaster asks, “Who are going to phone?”

Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.

Without any hesitation Mick replies “No, that’s definately Paul Scholes ”

Pat looks concerned now “Are you sure Mick, I’m convinced that it’s Ruud Van Nistelroy?”

“Definately” Mick replies.

“Well” the quizmaster continues, “You’ve used your lifeline, now I need your answer”

“OK” says Pat, looking nervous now, “But I’m sure it’s Ruud Van Nistelroy, that’s my final answer… Ruud Van Nistelroy.”

“You had £64,000 Pat, If you’re right you win £125,000, if you’re wrong you leave us with the money you’ve got so far…” There’s a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again

“Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you’ve been a great contestant and you’ve won £64,000. Here’s your cheque and thanks for playing.”

As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, “What was the correct answer, it’s killing me!”

The quizmaster replies, “Louis Saha.”

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”
“Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the Earth.”

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the
fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop
fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”



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