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Did you hear about the new downhill racing skis the ski resorts are selling this year?
They are called Lewin-skis. They are for people who like to go down.

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all
in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the
bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head
starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three
years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap
on me!”

Q: Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?
A: How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that “no means no”?

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”
“Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the Earth.”

In the 1970s, two dedicated Yorkshiremen were at the match. One discovered that he’d left his wallet at home and friend offered to go back for it. He returned pale and shaken.
‘I’ve got bad news for thee, Bob. Your wife s run off and left thee, and your house ‘as burned to the ground!’
‘I’ve got worse news for thee, lad. Boycott’s out.’



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