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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o’er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring “Run….Run!”

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!”

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. “But’s how’s his scholastic work?” “Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach. “Wonderful!” said the sportswriter. “Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a little crooked.”
No, but they gave one to me anyway. – L.A. Lakers rookie Elden Campbell when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University



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