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Q: What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Di didn’t?
A: A good driver. (I know…very bad taste!)

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

Two pigeons were talking as they stood on the boundary watching the game. ‘Now here’s what we do,’ ‘We wait till the bowler runs up and bowls, and then, as the batsman hits it, we suddenly fly up over the stand. It gets the crowd every time!’

Q: What does a footballer and a magician have in common?

A: Both do hat tricks!

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all
in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head
starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three
years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap
on me!”

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