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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man! You don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!”

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Q: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?

A: Having arms and legs.

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”
Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, Should we take them with us or eat them here? I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”



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