The captain of a team says to the Umpire, “My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking.” The Umpire says, “No.” The captain says, “Well we think you’re an asshole, then.”

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.
Doctor: “What happened to you?”
He says: “I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!”
Doctor: “But I don’t understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn’t cause that much damage!”
He says “Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!”

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says “seven points.”

His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The old man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 7 to nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie, score.”

After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can’t fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more.

Straining, the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed. The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

The old man replies, “Half-time, switch sides.”

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the
collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned
umpire shouted, “No, Mr. President!
I said, Throw the first PITCH!”

The two rival cricketers were talking.
‘The local team wants me to play for them very badly.’
‘Well, you’re just the man for the job.’