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There once was a man who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The man waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

When they completed their round, the man told the woman that he was a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the man cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.

The man was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal.

This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sex?”

“We can’t,” said the woman.

“Why not?” came the reply.

“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.

“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE for the last three weeks!”

Q: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

A famous fast bowler was introduced to an areb sheik who boasted that he had eighty three wives .
The bowler retorted ” You only need two more , and you’re entitled to a new ball.”

1. A Voice in the Darkness

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Seattle Seahawks are Super Bowl contenders.”
Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

2. It’s a Wonder

Why do SanDiego Chargers players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spaces.

3. Kissin’ Cousins

What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Tennessee Titans fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!

4. Grounded

Why did the NY Jets players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!

5. Hit and Run

If you see a Oakland Raiders fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
It could be your bike.

6. A Day at the Beach

What do you get if you see a New England Patriots fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand!

7. No Way Out

You’re trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of Denver Broncos. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Bronco’s fan… twice.

8. On the Bright Side

What do you call a Buffalo Bill’s fan with half a brain?

9. Playing Possum

Why the Arizona Cardinals are like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

10. Licking the Problem

What did the average Sanfransico 49er player get on his Wonderlic test?

11. Higher Education

What does the N stand for on the sides of the nebraska football helmets?

12. Low Blow

Q : What’s the best way to circumsize a Virginia Tech fan?
A : Kick his sister in the chin.

13. Southern Fun

Q : Why do Miami Cheerleaders wear panties?
A : To keep their ankles warm.

14. Safety First

Q: How do Seminoles practice safe sex?
A: They get rid of all the animals that kick.

15. Efficiency

Why did UT choose Orange for the team color?
So the fans could wear it on Saturday to the game, on Sunday to go hunting, and the rest of the week picking up garbage on the highways.

16. Differences

Q. What’s the difference between a winning Raiders team and a UFO?
A. Someone has seen a UFO.

17. Shiney Ring

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief

18. Desire

Q. Why doesn’t Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?
A. Because then Cleveland would want one.

19. Field Location

Q. What do you call Bears quarterback on the Colts’ 10-yard line?
A. Lost

20. More Differences

What’s the difference between a Raiders fan and a Chimp?
Ones hairy, stupid and smells, and the other is a Chimpanzee.

21. Lights Out

How do you knock out a Raiders fan when he’s been drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

22. Similarities

What do Raiders fans and laxatives have in common?
Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.

23. Employment

What do you say to a Raiders fan with a job?
“I’ll have a Big Mac, fries and a coke, please.”

24. Time for change

Q: What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

25. Weather

Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?
A: To the Linc – they never have a touchdown there!

Q: What three golfers would you not want to be behind on a golf course?
A: O. J. Simpson because he’s a slicer, Monica because she’s a hooker, and Bill Clinton because he never knows what hole he’s on.

© 2015