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In my hand I hold a ball,
white and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how bland it does appear,
this harmless looking little sphere.

By its size, I could not guess,
the awesome strength it does possess.
But since I fell beneath it’s spell,
I’ve wandered through the fires of hell.

My life has not been quite the same,
since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end.
A fortune it has made me spend.

It’s made me swear and yell and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par,
if I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball,
should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
and does exactly as it chooses.

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies
and disappears before my eyes.
Often it will take a whim
to hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land,
it finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul,
if only it would find the hole.

It’s made me whimper like a pup
and swear that I will give it up.
And take a drink to ease my sorrow,
but the ball well knows…
I’ll be back tomorrow!!!!

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and
you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her
and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink
to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked
her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he
was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

10. Nuts… my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up… I need to wash my balls first.

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger’s tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, “How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?”

Arnold replies: “When I was your age, I’d just play right over this tree.”

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol’ Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: “Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

A man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, “I’ll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green.”

When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot.

About six months later the husband was playing golf with a friend and sure enough he hit his ball behind the same barn. His friend said, “I’ll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green.”

The husband said, “I don’t think I can do this and anyway I hate this hole.”

His friend said, “It’s not that hard and why do you hate this hole?”

The husband said, after bowing his head, “The last time I played this hole I got an 8!”



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