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Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was that about?!!!”

“Take no notice. Just get on with the game,” replied the other.

Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. “What……?!?”

“Look. Just get on with the game,” said the second. “We don’t have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.,” the second says with a chuckle.

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. “Now, hold on a minute,” said the first golfer, “I’m not playing until you tell me what’s going on.”

“OK,” said the second. “Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her.”

“I’ll buy that,” said the first, “but what’s with the guy and the two buckets of sand?”

“He’s the guy who caught her the last time. That’s his handicap.”

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since you’re obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two’gotchas’.”
The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
“What happened?” asked one of the members. “Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing
up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”

She: “Let me get this straight.The less I hit the ball, the better I am doing.”
He: “That’s right.”
She: “Then why hit it at all?”

The toughest part about this game is getting off the tee and into the hole.

As the man said,”I know I can play better than this; I just never have”.

In golf, you drive for show and putt for dough.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole.

If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out.

Real golfers don’t cry when they line up their fourth putt.

Golf is an easy game… it’s just hard to play.

In golf as in life, it’s the follow through that makes the difference.

Real golfers don’t miss putts, they get robbed.

Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting.

Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf. “What I like about golf,” the first guy said, “is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind.”

“Screw that,” said his friend. “I’ll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!”



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