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1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!”

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!!!!”

By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover.”

“It’s the biggest dam I know!”

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o’er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

Two lawyers, Lawrence and Milton, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Lawrence offers Milton a bet. “Let’s say we bet $50.” Milton agrees and they’re off.

They are having a great game. After the 8th hold, Milton is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he said to Lawrence.

After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Milton pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces.

Lawrence looks at him. “After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together, you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

“And you’re a liar, too!” Lawrence said. “I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing,
takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies, “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”



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