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There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn’t matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, “Terrible weather out there.”

She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well,” the man says, “it’s like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” the doctor asks.

“Well.” the man replies, “I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife,
‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that.”

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked “what’s wrong?” It’s a small, small world Joe, and you’re fired”

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.



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