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Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder says: “Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how’s the golf.”
Nicklaus replies: “Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now.”
Stevie Wonder says: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright.”
Jack Nicklaus says: “You play golf!”
Stevie Wonder says: “Yes, I have been playing for years.”
And Nicklaus says: “But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?”
He replies: “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
“But how do you putt”, says Nicklaus.
“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Nicklaus says: “What is your handicap.” Stevie says “Well I play off scratch.”
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, “We must play a game sometime.”
Wonder replies: “Well people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.” Nicklaus thinks about it and says “OK, I’m up for that-when would you like to play?” “I don’t care-any night next week is ok with me.” Wonder replies

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

A man and wife were playing in their club’s annual “Guys and Dolls” tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. “Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife’s brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.” “What is it?” asked Mr. Davies. “Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity.” The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn’t matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, “Terrible weather out there.”

She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”



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