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A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when a salesman runs up to him and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”

One golfer tells another: “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”
The other replies: “That’s a GREAT trade!”

“Do you expect me to believe that you were playing golf from seven in the morning until seven in the evening?” a wife asked her husband. “You should have been home by three.”

“Now, let me explain, Carol,” Harry replied. “I got up at dawn and picked Fred up at six A.M., but on the way to the course, I had a flat tire. I didn’t have a spare, so I had to walk a couple of miles to the service station. By the time I got back to the car, it was after nine. Then we ran out of gas, and that cost an hour. We didn’t tee-off until eleven.”

“You still should have been home by three,” Carol replied.

“I’m not finished,” Harry explained. “Everything was fine for the first two holes, but then Fred had a heart attack. I ran to the clubhouse to find a doctor, but no luck. By the time I got back, Fred was dead. So for the next sixteen holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred. . .”

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

There once was a man who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The man waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

When they completed their round, the man told the woman that he was a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the man cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.

The man was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal.

This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sex?”

“We can’t,” said the woman.

“Why not?” came the reply.

“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.

“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE for the last three weeks!”



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