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The Chicago Bears 2000 schedule and changes.


15…………….Tefft Junior High School
22…………….Cub Scout Troop #101
29…………….Chicago Blind Academy

6……………..Spanish American War Vets
13…………….Crippled Children’s Home
20…………….Elgin Mental Hospital
27…………….Girl Scout Troop # 353


3………………Illinois Venereal Disease Clinic
10……………..Cicero Boys Choir
17……………..Korean Amputees



9………………Wrigleyville Gay Boys Club


1 – When playing polio patients, the Bears must not disconnect knee braces.
2 – When playing the Blind Academy, the Bears must not hide the football under their jerseys.


1 – A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bears fans that have never seen this ) it is still worth 6 points.
2 – The Bears will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 – The Bears will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.
4 – The Bears will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 – The Bears will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.


The Chicago Bears will be changed to the “Chicago Tampons” as they are only good for one period and have no second string.


Dave Wannstedt will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won’t choke on the big ones!!!

(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier’s Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers “241.”

“That is wonderful!” says Einstein. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!”

Next Einstein introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?” To which the lady answers, “144.” “That is great!” responds Einstein. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”

Einstein goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.” Einstein responds, “How ’bout them Cowboys?”

A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Kelly has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Colts fan” she reports.

“Then,” asks the teacher,” What are you?”

“I’m a Chicago Bears fan,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan.

“Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I’m a Bears fan too,” she responds.

“That’s no reason,” the teacher says. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”

Kelly smiles and says, “Then I’d be a Colts fan.”

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”

The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my dad is a mechanic.”

Then one little boy says, looking quite ashamed: “My name is Johnny and my father cleans toilets for a living.”

The teacher awkwardly and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad cleans toilets for a living, wanting to talk with him about his shame.

He blushed and said, “No, I’m sorry. My dad plays football for the Chicago Bears and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

© 2015