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This is the new public relations director for the Chicago Cubs, and here is what he has to say…

“The Cubs are well on their way to winning the World Series this year. The Yankees, Red Sox, Braves and Angels do not stand a chance, the Cubs are superior and will defeat all the teams they play this year 25-0 and their record will be 162 and 0.

“The Cubs have the league’s best hitting, pitching, base running, coaching, stadium, hot dog stands, parking, ground crew, announcers, and sell out every home game.

“They will not only win the World Series but also the Superbowl, the NBA Championship, The Stanley Cup, and all Nascar and Indy car races.”

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the
collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned
umpire shouted, “No, Mr. President!
I said, Throw the first PITCH!”

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
‘That’s incredible!’ he exclaimed to the man next to him.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘but he’s a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.’

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4×4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Chicago Cubs baseball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing White Sox jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Cubs fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached the shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of south and north sides of Chicago, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which others could follow.”

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”

“That,” one answered, “that was the Holy Father, His Holiness the Pope, the head of the Roman Catholic Church and the spiritual leader of millions of faithful Christians around the world.”

“Well,” the harpooner replied, “He doesn’t seem to know diddley about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?”



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