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A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, “Run…run!”

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!”

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya.”

The next batter’s count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, “He didn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, “Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!”

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?
“Yes it is,” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“No thanks,” the man replies.
“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.
“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.
“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.
“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“Yes it is,” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.
“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Don’t you start that crap in here now,” the priest says.

This is the new public relations director for the Chicago Cubs, and here is what he has to say…

“The Cubs are well on their way to winning the World Series this year. The Yankees, Red Sox, Braves and Angels do not stand a chance, the Cubs are superior and will defeat all the teams they play this year 25-0 and their record will be 162 and 0.

“The Cubs have the league’s best hitting, pitching, base running, coaching, stadium, hot dog stands, parking, ground crew, announcers, and sell out every home game.

“They will not only win the World Series but also the Superbowl, the NBA Championship, The Stanley Cup, and all Nascar and Indy car races.”

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the
collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned
umpire shouted, “No, Mr. President!
I said, Throw the first PITCH!”



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