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A cricket enthusiast had three trays installed in his office labelled ‘In’ , ‘Out’ , and ‘L.B.W.’ .
A visitor remarked as he could see the significance of ‘In’ and ‘Out’ but what did ‘L.B.W.’ mean ?
And the cricket enthusiast replied : “Let the Bastards Wait.”

The Chicago Bears 2000 schedule and changes.


15…………….Tefft Junior High School
22…………….Cub Scout Troop #101
29…………….Chicago Blind Academy

6……………..Spanish American War Vets
13…………….Crippled Children’s Home
20…………….Elgin Mental Hospital
27…………….Girl Scout Troop # 353


3………………Illinois Venereal Disease Clinic
10……………..Cicero Boys Choir
17……………..Korean Amputees



9………………Wrigleyville Gay Boys Club


1 – When playing polio patients, the Bears must not disconnect knee braces.
2 – When playing the Blind Academy, the Bears must not hide the football under their jerseys.


1 – A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bears fans that have never seen this ) it is still worth 6 points.
2 – The Bears will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 – The Bears will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.
4 – The Bears will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 – The Bears will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.


The Chicago Bears will be changed to the “Chicago Tampons” as they are only good for one period and have no second string.


Dave Wannstedt will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won’t choke on the big ones!!!

A little Bear is at his custody hearing. The judge asks the little bear whom he wants to live with. Well, I don’t want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me. And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too. The Judge asks little bear if he has any relatives whom he likes. Little Bear says no. . . I want to live with the Chicago Bears, the don’t beat anybody.

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

Q: Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?

A: Paul gas coin!

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