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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!” A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!” The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!” All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets. On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.

He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, “It’s all right ma’am, they’re just golf balls.”

She nodded and smiled sympathetically said, “Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?”

Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot. At that moment a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His golfing partner looked at him and said, “Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead.”
Mike replied, “Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow.”

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle as hunting season was about to start. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.” The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

Q: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.



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