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Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, “No.” Bad girls say, “When?”

Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Q: What is the difference between a hobo and homo?
A: A hobo has no friends and a homo has friends up the ass.

* I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.

* I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

* I have to floss my pets.

* I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.

* I want to spend more time with my blender.

* I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

* I’m building a pig from a kit.

* I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

* I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

* I’m getting my overalls overhauled.

* I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

* I’m staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.

* I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.

* I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

* I’ve got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.

* It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.

* My patent is pending.

* The nice man on television told me to stay tuned.

An exhibitionist named Joe, was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

“I’m sorry sir,” she said politely, “but you have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!”

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

“Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”

“Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.

“Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

“Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “Aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”



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