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A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.
“How do you plead?” asked the judge.
“Guilty or not guilty.”
“Not guilty,” replied the man.
“On what grounds?” queried the judge.
“I didn’t think she was dead… I thought she was an American.”

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I
slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was
turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was
wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

Q: How can you tell when your house has been burglarized by gays?
A: When you come home, you discover that your jewelry is missing, and all your furniture has been tastefully rearranged.

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water
cooler at the office. “Veronica, I just don’t know what to do,” Gloria
said to her friend at work. “That good-looking Alex in accounting asked
me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?”

“Oh, my God!” her friend exclaimed. “He’ll wine you, dine you, and then
use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he’ll rip off your
dress and you’ll have fantastic s*x!”

“What should I do?” asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, “Wear an old dress.”

- You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.

- You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn’t.

- Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that’s an acceptable risk.

- You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.

- You call people other than your Father “Daddy.”

- Reading the word spanking makes you blush.

- Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.

- You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.

- Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.

- Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.

- You own and use handcuffs, but aren’t employed in law enforcement.

- Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.

- Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.

- You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, “Cool! I’ve always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!”

- Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

- You give a new song a rating of 65. It’s got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

- You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

- You always smell like Yankee Candle’s Scent-Of-The-Month.

- Canning season gets you *really* excited.

- You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.

- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don’t own a horse.

- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area’s Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

- Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

- Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like “Exit to Eden” than anything they showed on TV.

- They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.

- You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

- Your son’s Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

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