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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife
one Friday evening and read’s: Dear Wife (that’s what
he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this
letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful
and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the
hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that’s what she called him) I too am 54
and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year
old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore
appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times
than 54 goes into 18!!!!

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. “What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you,” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just step into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.” Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But.. but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were
popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red
blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, “Lady, I’ll
give you $10 for a blow job.”
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the
city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, suh, for
defendin’ mah honor!” Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said,
“Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in
Texas!”

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, “What’s going on here? You keep saying, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit.”

“Well,” says the guy, “My friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?”

“He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we’re picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!! We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!! I just know we’re gonna die!! So I turn to him and say …”Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!!”

“DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!” ….. (SPIT)

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

5. I know when you’ve been bad or good… so let’s skip the small talk, sister!

6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

7. Interested in seeing the “North Pole”? (Well, that’s what the Mrs. calls it)

8. I see you when you’re sleeping… and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?

9. Screw the “nice” list – I’ve got you on my “naughty” list!

10. Wanna join the “Mile High” club?



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