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Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of “looming” retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, “Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.”

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, “I’m one of eighteen kids in my family.”

The first fellow’s eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

“The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing.” With a big grin he added, “My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, ‘Do you want to go to sleep, or what?’ and my mom would say, ‘What?'”

Q: What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and clitorises?

A: They miss them all.

Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.

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