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Q: What’s the difference between mono and herpes?

A: You get mono from from snatching a kiss….

Q: What did ELLEN DeGeneres say to Kathy Lee?
A: “May I be FRANK with you…”

Q: Whats the difference between pink and purple?

A: Your grip.

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!

C is for Call ya later. She won’t. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I’m not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.

J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M is for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top… she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.

R is for Rich little bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun. S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for Torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and handcuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that f*cking bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine, not the activity.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?

Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep…

. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!

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