Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100181 jokes and pictures!


Q: Whats the speed limit of sex?

A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around!!

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract
and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering
trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night
stand. But he couldn’t help but wonder why she wasn’t already
in one.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know.” sighed the girl stretching. “It happens to me
a lot. I think they call this ‘deja screw’.

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!” Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.”

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!”

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me, young man?”

Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.”

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, “Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?”

The Pope replies, “Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.”

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!”

The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues, “Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”

To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.”

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!”

The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”

To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah….. are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?”

The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!”

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute’s terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, “What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.”

The prostitute snapped back, “What do you want to do, knit or fuck?”

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED

REMOVING CLOTHES..

With partners’ consent 12
Without partners’ consent 187

UNHOOKING BRA..

Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96

GETTING INTO BED..

Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION..

For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115

PUTTING ON RUBBER..

With erection 1.5
Without erection 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM..

If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72

If a man does it, regardless of experience 680
(add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room!)
With womans consent 50
Without womans consent 300

INSERTION..

If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274

ORGASM..

Real 27
Faked 160

POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS..

Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27

ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE..

Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn’t change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50

PULLING OUT..

After orgasm 0.5
Just before orgasm 500

PENIS ENVY..

For woman 3
For man 72

AGGRAVATION FACTORS..

Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40

GETTING CAUGHT..

By partners’ spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY..

Italian..man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian..woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English..side by side with lights off 10
Scots..woman on top, man on whisky 69
American..both on top 60

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE..

Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150



© 2015 ijokedb.com