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Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, “Hi there little boy!!”

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies “Well…that is what size we imagine your penis to be…it is just a joke!”

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI THERE LADIES!”

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:

1A) If when you look down, you can’t see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.

1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.

1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.

1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.

2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.

3) No thongs under any circumstances.

4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.

* * * * * * * * * *

A few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Thongs are encouraged… however only if certain conditions are met.

1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.

1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson’s Epic type movies.

2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits… plain and simple. Damn, I know it’s a sexist world, but it’s the world that we live in.

3) Curlers are strictly verboten.

Cecil and Scott are two homosexuals living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer.

“Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?”

Scott replied, “It was so hot outside, I thought you’d like something cool to slip into!”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a shower?

A: The shower has to be turned on before it gets wet.

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