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Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.”

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.”

Patient: Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get
close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I
get sick to my stomach.
Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.
Patient sticks out his tongue…

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her
place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy
walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of
them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and
window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over
the bed.
Later after they’ve had sex, he turns to her and asks “So, how was I?”
She says “Well… you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

- Older ones are not in demand.

- They’re well worth looking over.

- They have a great deal of influence.

- You can’t believe everything they say.

- They always have the last word.

- You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbor’s.

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