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A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on
her breath. He says, “I’m going to have to give you the breathalyzer test
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blows up the
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, “It looks like you’ve had a
couple of stiff ones.” She replies “You mean it shows that, too?”

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts.”

“Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s ‘love canal’.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
‘love pole’. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
Cheerios… “

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.”

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.”

Patient: Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get
close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I
get sick to my stomach.
Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.
Patient sticks out his tongue…



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