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For me, penises are a hobby… kinda like fishing… The small ones you
throw back, The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and The big ones
you mount.”

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

When she had finished, the husband’s lawyer rose to his feet and
coolly replied, “Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed

* Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?

* (Motion for girl to come here with one finger), “If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!”

* If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

* Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

* I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.

* The word of the day is LEGS, so let’s go to my house and spread the word.

* This Valentine’s Day, I really want you to know how I feel…..So you better use both hands.

* I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

* Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

* Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.

* If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

* I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

* If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

* How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

* I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

* You are so fine that I’d eat your shit just to see where it came from.

* My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.

* Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!

* You remind me of a championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you!

* Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

* Could I touch your belly button…from the inside?

* How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I’ll give you the meat!

* Hey baby. Why don’t you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?

* Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be!

* Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock!

* I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

* Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way.

* Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

* Roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti, let’s go screw.

* Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

* My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going….

* That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.

* I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

* I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to tinker” around with.

* You must be from Hiroshima, cause baby you’re the Bomb.

* Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

* I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

* I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

* Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.

* If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

* Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

* If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

* If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

* Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

* The word for the night is legs, lets go back to my room and spread the word.

* Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

* Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long.

* Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

* You must be Jelly, cause jam don’t shake like that.

* The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means that there’s more room for your tongue.

* Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

* Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

* I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

* I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house?

* If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Kay was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Kay decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came James, riding a bicycle.

He stopped for Kay. “Come on,” he said. “I’ll ride you into town.”

She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of James.

James said nothing, but after ten minutes Kay was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, “Tell me, haven’t you noticed that I’m completely naked?”

“Sure,” said James. “Haven’t you noticed that you’re riding on a girls bike?”

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can’t get a hard-on, but all night he has
to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting “One,
two three, uhh… one, two three, uhh… ” In the morning, the second
dwarf says to the first dwarf, “So how was it?” The first dwarf says,
“It sucked. I couldn’t get a hard-on all night.” The second dwarf says,
“You think that’s bad? I couldn’t even get up on the fucking bed.”

© 2015