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Q: What did Adam say to Eve?

A: You’d better stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets.

An old man and his wife were listening to their favorite radio evangelist, who promised, “With God’s incredible powers behind me, I can heal anything! Place one hand on the radio and the other on that which you want healed, and IT SHALL BE HEALED!”

The old woman put one hand on the radio and the other on her heart. The old man put one hand on the radio and the other on his pants.

The woman said, “Uh, honey, he said he could HEAL, not BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD!”

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one
Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible
hand when she notices the time.

“Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to
be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her
friend’s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling
up.

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then
she realizes he is loving it! “Mmmm, darling, this is the best
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and
they are all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your
chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being
so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass.”

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.

The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said, “Yes, officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading this magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what is she doing?”

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “I think she is knitting a sweater.”

Confused, the officer asked, “How old are you young man?”

“I’m nineteen,” he replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be eighteen.”



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