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A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he’s been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.
“No! I’m not doing it anymore!” says the farmer. “And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am – a goddam queer?”

Q: What is the meaning of “sanctity”?

A: It’s french, for a lady with five breasts.

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!”

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. “How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker. “But I thought you might want to open those beers first.”

There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, “Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?”
“Why Yes, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.
Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, “Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?”
“Oh, no, John, “said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
“Hey, Marie,” said John, “Would you like a smoke?”
“Oh, no, John,” said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He’d struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
“Hey, Marie,” said John, “how would you like to stop at this motel with me?”
“Sure, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.
Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.
“What have I done? What have I done?” thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. “Marie, I’ve got to ask you one thing, said John. “What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”
Marie said, “The same thing I always tell them… You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.



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