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Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.

She wrote: “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is excellent in bed.”

Several days went by and she hadn’t gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. “Can I help you?” she asked.

He said, “I am the man of your dreams!”

She was baffled. She said, “Excuse me.”

“I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can’t beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you.”

“But are you good in bed?” she asked.

He replied, “How do you think I knocked on the door?!”

THE OLD VERSION

If you love somebody, set her free. If she comes back, she’s yours. If she doesn’t, she never was….

THE NEW VERSIONS

MY FAVORITE VERSION
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

PESSIMIST
If you love somebody, set her free … If she ever comes back, she’s yours. If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

OPTIMIST
If you love somebody, set her free … Don’t worry, she will come back.

SUSPICIOUS
If you love somebody, set her free … If she ever comes back, ask her why.

VENGEFUL
If you love somebody, set her free … If she doesn’t come back, hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ PROGRAMMER
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST
If you love somebody, set her free … In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

BILL GATES
If you love somebody, set her free … If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

BIOLOGIST
If you love somebody, set her free … She’ll evolve.

SCHWARZENEGGER FAN
If you love somebody, set her free … SHE’LL BE BACK!

OVERPOSSESSIVE
If you love somebody … don’t set her free.

PSYCHOLOGIST
If you love somebody set her free … If she comes back, her super ego is dominant. If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme. If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

SOMNAMBULIST
If you love somebody set her free … If she comes back, it’s a nightmare. If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

RHETT BUTLER
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE … If she asks you why, say you don’t give a damn.

MARKETING EXPERT
If you love somebody set her free … If she comes back, she has brand loyalty, If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine?
A: They both leak when they’re fucked!

Q: What’s a real mate?
A: Someone who’ll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one when he returns.

Q: Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
A: So it doesn’t explode when you fuck it.



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