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A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
“Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and
told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said
that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.”
“BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was
Gabriel’s trumpet and I have been blowing it.”

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, “We’re Catholic so we can’t birth control.”

The next woman says, “I am too, but we use the rhythm method.”

The third woman says, “We use the bucket and saucer method.”

“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?” the others ask.

“Well, I’m five foot eleven…and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.”

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.
The Father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”
The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.
The Dad responded very slowly and caringly
to his impressionanle little boy, “Well, son, we are making you a little brother.”
The little boy replied, “Please turn Mom over, Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.

“What size?” asked the blonde pharmacist’s assistant sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn’t sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.

“Size six,” she told him after a moment. “Now, take it out. How many?”

Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, “But I’m afraid I don’t know my size,” he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. “Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?”

But Tom kept on going until he was done. “None, thanks,” he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. “I just came in for a fitting.”

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea–each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: “Isn’t it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills.”

The wife replied, “Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?”



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