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Q: How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar?
A: Even the pool tables don’t have balls.

Q: What does a man and a floor have in common?

A: You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!

November 30, 1995
PLAYGIRL, INC.

Dear Mrs. Smith,

We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl’s “Man of the Month” centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 70. We couldn’t
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said “We’ll retain our widowed status!”

The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said “We can’t perform miracles!”

We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl’s centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as “the item of interest” as it would in
John’s case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat
calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading
this magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, “And what is she doing?”

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “I think she’s
knitting a sweater.”

Confused, the officer asked, “How old are you, young man?”

“I’m nineteen,” he replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about twelve
minutes she’ll be eighteen.”

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus
CAN’T play”
The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
and starts playing the guitar.The octopus’ owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn,
loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been
watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”
The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”
The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”



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