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Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, “It’s
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned
sharp.”

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted Armageddon”, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.”

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., now here’s a few things to ponder. What were they thinking?

1. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . .” OUCH!!!!

2. “So I peered into the tube . . . “Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of a guy’s anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s anus. I’m just guessing but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki’s “tunnel of love”.

5. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would of made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacs, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashion, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor and saying, “Well Doc it’s like this: See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . . . ”

7. “First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God’s green earth.

8. People named “Kiki” which obviously is a Polynesian word for”idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.”

9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I’m starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond Family.

Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home? One turned to the other and asked “Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”

The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn’t help but wonder why she wasn’t already in one.

“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before,” he said.

“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching. “It happens to me a lot. I think they call this ‘deja screw’.”



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