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* I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.

* I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

* I have to floss my pets.

* I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.

* I want to spend more time with my blender.

* I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

* I’m building a pig from a kit.

* I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

* I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

* I’m getting my overalls overhauled.

* I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

* I’m staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.

* I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.

* I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

* I’ve got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.

* It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.

* My patent is pending.

* The nice man on television told me to stay tuned.

Q: Did you hear about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch on his penis?
A: He’s down to three butts a week!

Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!

Daddy told me long ago,
“Son, don’t play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It’s sure to make you sick.”

“Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I’ve heard it said.
You’ll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned.”

“Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won’t grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake.”

“Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you’ll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen.”

“Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You’ll die and go to hell.”

“And if they ask me how you died,
I’ll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I’ll know I lied.
It’s ’cause you pulled your prick!”

Daddy went to work this morn
And Mommy’s in the kitchen.
I think I’ll get out Daddy’s porn
And give myself a twitchin’.

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a ‘kiss?’” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.” And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress?’” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?’” So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache?’”

© 2015