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Q: What do you call a blonde with white eyes?
A: Full up…

Q: How does a blond turn the light on in the morning?
A: Open the car door.

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader’s table.

Said the mysterious old woman, “For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.”

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.”

“That’s true,” said Paul.

“Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?”

“Love line? No, from the calluses.”

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party?”

“Yeah,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protested the barkeep.

“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

– You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.

– You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn’t.

– Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that’s an acceptable risk.

– You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.

– You call people other than your Father “Daddy.”

– Reading the word spanking makes you blush.

– Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.

– You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.

– Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.

– Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.

– You own and use handcuffs, but aren’t employed in law enforcement.

– Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.

– Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.

– You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, “Cool! I’ve always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!”

– Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

– You give a new song a rating of 65. It’s got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

– You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

– You always smell like Yankee Candle’s Scent-Of-The-Month.

– Canning season gets you *really* excited.

– You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.

– Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don’t own a horse.

– You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area’s Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

– Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

– Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like “Exit to Eden” than anything they showed on TV.

– They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.

– You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

– Your son’s Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

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