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A blond at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life.
“They lie, they cheat and they’re just no good. From now on when I want sex, I’m going to use my vibrator”
“So, what when the batteries run out?” asked her friend
“I’ll just fake an orgasm like always.”

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

“I’ll get the door,” says the first ovary. She looks out the peep hole and says, “Did you order furniture?”

No why?” asks the other ovary.

“Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One … Men will screw anything.

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, “I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let’s you and me go out and party. We’ll carouse, drink, whatever we want.”

Fred was shocked. “Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn’t, they would see our clothes and know we were priests.”

Joe was ready for this. “Don’t be silly. We won’t stay in town, we’ll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we’ll dress just like anyone else.”

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred’s face became pale. “I just thought of something,” he said. “We have to confess this.”

Again, Joe was ready. “Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I’ll absolve you.”

Fred was amazed at Joe’s brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we’re both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music.”

Fred answered, “God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 ‘Our Father’s’ and 5 ‘Hail Mary’s’ and you will be absolved of your sin.”

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, “I don’t believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 “Our Father’s,” 500 “Hail Mary’s,” donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God’s forgiveness. Then come back and we’ll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees.”

“WHAT?!” Father Fred was shocked. “What about our agreement??”

Joe replied, “Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously.”



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